How to Stop Repeating Toxic Patterns (and Finally Break the Cycle)
Have you ever caught yourself saying, “Why does this keep happening to me?”
I know I certainly have. And I have to admit that at this point in my journey, I recognize right away that I probably have a part to play in what’s going on - uncomfy!
Maybe when this comes up for you it’s the same kind of situation, the same self-sabotaging habit, or the same emotional spiral you’re used to bumping into.
The truth is, until we understand the roots of our toxic patterns, we’ll find ourselves looping back into them again and again.
The good news? These cycles aren’t life sentences—they’re invitations.
Each time a pattern reappears, it’s an opportunity to see it more clearly and to choose differently.
Step 1: Spot the Signs
The first step to breaking free is awareness. Toxic patterns often show up as:
Choosing the same type of unhealthy relationship, over and over.
Falling into cycles of self-sabotage when you’re close to success.
Negative self-talk that keeps you small.
Avoidance, numbing, or people-pleasing behaviors.
I know because I’ve lived this. And I know how difficult it is to watch yourself repeat the same bullshit over and over again, knowing it isn’t in alignment with who you want to be.
Repeating unhealthy patterns eventually got me to my own version of rock bottom.
I felt stuck in old patterns, unhealed trauma, and a mindset that was damaging. I felt like I would never break those old patterns, trauma stories or make a mindset shift. I felt like I would never have the life I truly wanted, or the career. I felt angry and I wanted to blame my family, my past, and other people for my problems. I was full of excuses as to why I would never get unstuck. I mean, I was really out there rooting for my own demise with the excuses, I’ll tell you what. I was covering up all of this shame with alcohol and substance abuse. I was trapped in an unhealthy cycle of binge eating, binge non-watching (the same shows & movies over & over), and doom scrolling. I could not look at myself in the mirror because I knew deep down my life was my responsibility, regardless of my past, and I had not taken full responsibility. I hated myself and my body. I resented (the people around me) my partner and my co-workers and my family. I was always tired and either over-sleeping or not sleeping enough. I had chronic migraines, bowel issues, and skin problems. And by the time I started to see all of this, I was dissociated and living on auto-pilot 95% of the day.
But eventually enough was enough. I had to look at these patterns, and I had to look at the role I was playing in my own suffering.
And you’re going to need to do the same. There is no way around it.
When you start noticing these patterns without judgment, THAT is when you open the door to change.
Step 2: Understand the Root
Most toxic cycles don’t come from nowhere—they’re usually tied to past wounds, beliefs, or even childhood conditioning. Maybe you learned to over-give because love felt conditional, or maybe you avoid conflict because safety meant staying quiet.
By asking, “Where did this begin?” you start to see that these patterns were survival strategies once.
The key now is to honor them for what they were while choosing healthier ways to move forward.
Seriously. This is the KEY.
Because you CANNOT stop at awareness alone, and if you stop and uncovering the root without pulling it up out of the dirt, you’re just trading one excuse for another.
Awareness is meant to launch us into choosing differently. It is meant to be the catalyst for transformation. But all too often I see it become the next set of chains keeping us stuck.
“Oh well, you know, I have childhood trauma, so I’ll always be broken…”
“Oh, so it’s ADHD, I guess that means I’ll never be able to do…”
“I hear you but I have PMDD, so it’s hard because…”
Are you looking for an excuse, or are you gonna start looking for a way?
As someone with all of the above (childhood trauma, ADHD, and PMDD), I can tell you… these things do not excuse you from taking responsibility for your life.
We all have a backstory.
Are you going to let it keep you chained? Or are you going to use it as a catalyst to make a shift?
Step 3: Shift the Cycle
Once again, awareness is powerful, but ACTION is where transformation happens.
And not massive action. I know all too well how tempting it is to want to go balls to the wall, show up big, and be done with the thing. Check it off the list.
But healing doesn’t work that way.
Nor does the maintenance required to keep your life going well once you “get there.”
This is why I talk about Small Right Actions like it’s my job to do so.
Especially when you’re in the beginning, every single step counts. Every shift you try to make, no matter how small, is helping you rewire your brain for safety.
Here are some small steps that can help you begin to shift toxic patterns:
Pause before reacting – Even a breath can change the outcome.
Choose one swap – Replace a toxic habit with a healthier alternative once a day. Used to sitting on your ass during lunch? Opt for a short walk instead. Used to coming home and doom scrolling? Come home and turn on some music instead. Dance. Sing. Used to ruminating when something doesn’t go your way? Vocalize your thoughts instead. You catch my drift.
Track it – Keep notes of when patterns appear and how you respond. Journal about everything. It gets it out of you, but also helps you think about your life more clearly and more objectively.
Seek support – Growth thrives in safe community and accountability. I recommend therapy to anyone and everyone.
Over time, these small actions carve new pathways, making healthier choices feel more natural.
Step 4: Lead with Self-Compassion
It’s easy to feel shame when we notice ourselves “falling back” into toxic patterns. But shame keeps the cycle alive. Compassion is what breaks it.
Remind yourself: Healing isn’t linear. Every step toward awareness is progress.
I’m telling you this with love, as someone who has walked this path.
It can be hard to choose healing, again and again, even when it hurts, even when it is lonely, even when you aren’t sure where it’s going to lead.
Healing requires that you feel that pain in your body, that confusion in your mind, that grief in your spirit—and still choose to rise.
And I promise you can do it.
I’ve stood in the ruins of my old life and rebuilt it.
I’ve made peace with a body I was taught to fight.
I’ve walked through the grief of generational trauma.
I’ve untangled myself from diet culture, perfectionism, and performance.
I’ve faced the shadows and chosen to stay. Again and again.
And I know you can too.
Breaking toxic patterns isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress. The journey is what is meant to be achieved.
Every time you pause, reflect, and choose differently, you’re building a new future for yourself.
The cycles don’t define you—they’re simply chapters you’re learning from.
With a little awareness, a lot of action, and compassion, you have the power to rewrite the story.
The question is, will you do it?
BE WELL
L
